The Most Useful English Word

Well, it’s shit … that’s right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don’t give a shit!

Well, Shit, it’s time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head………..

Well, Shit Happens!!!

The Bumper Sticker

The Pied Piper in Action

The Pied Piper

Another one…

I have yet another insult.  This time for my ex!

bootless swag-bellied gudgeon!

wow.  Describes him to a T!

Shakespearean Insults…

Artless crook-pated strumpet.  My new pet name for my ex’s new consort….  I have a new widget that comes up with Shakespearean insults.  What a wonderful tool!!  Check it out at Apple’s website and search for Shakespeare widgets.  That is, if you own a Mac!   If not, too bad for you!   😉

Funny thoughts…

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he’s the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: “I woke up
one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact
duplicates.”

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our
amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 – Borrow money from pessimists — They don’t expect it back.

3 – Half the people you know are below average.

4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.

7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the
rain.

9 – All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend…..but she left me before we met.

12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 – Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 – I intend to live forever……so far, so good.

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24 – Why do psychic s have to ask you for your name?

25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 – The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

And my all time favorite-

34 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

World’s Ugliest Dog

Okay, I took this from the St. Petersburg Times. This wonderful pup hails from my hometown, St. Petersburg, Florida. Thought I’d share! Enjoy!

Meet Gus of St. Petersburg, the World’s Ugliest Dog

By Demorris A. Lee, Times Staff Writer
In print: Monday, June 23, 2008
Gus, who lives in St. Petersburg, is the 2008 World’s Ugliest Dog. He took top honors Friday at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma, Calif.

“He’s been with us for so long that he’s just Gus,” Jeanenne Teed of St. Petersburg says of her ugly but sweet champion.

It’s official. On the outside, Gus of St. Petersburg is the world’s ugliest dog.

On the inside, though, what a beauty.

Gus is a hairless 9-year-old Chinese crested, owned by Jeanenne Teed and her 16-year-old daughter, Janey.

Gus won the 20th annual World’s Ugliest Dog contest, held Friday at the Sonoma-Marin County Fair in Petaluma, Calf.

Life hasn’t been easy for Gus. He lost a leg to cancer and an eye to a cat. But he has grit.

“He’s been with us for so long that he’s just Gus,” Teed said Sunday by telephone as she waited in a New York airport to return to St. Petersburg. For privacy, she asked that her address not be published.

“It’s no denying that the eye is missing and the leg is missing, and judging from people’s reaction, they don’t always think he’s as beautiful as I do,” she said.

Winning the title of World’s Ugliest was no day at the park. Only one other Florida dog has come this far — another Chinese crested named Lucille Bald from Merritt Island in 2006.

Gus first won the title for the ugliest pedigree. Then he had to face a mutt in a showdown to be the 2008 Ugliest Dog. Collaring that title, Gus entered the Ring of Champions, where he was pitted against previous World Ugliest Dog winners. He won that, too.

Gus and his family walked away with $1,600, a trophy and a direct flight to New York, where he appeared Sunday morning on NBC’s Today. In addition, a camera crew from Animal Planet filmed the contest and will include each dog’s personal story in an October broadcast.

“The whole thing is unbelievable,” said Teed, who heard about the contest while sitting on a couch with Gus watching Animal Planet and eating popcorn. “We really had no clue we were going to win.”

Vicki DeArmon, of the Sonoma-Marin Fair, said the contest’s popularity is “just off the chart. … What started as a little Podunk contest with a couple of local dogs is now this national event with international attention.”

When he was born, Gus didn’t have the look his breeder wanted, so Gus was given away. For a year, that owner kept him in a crate in a garage. Teed then got him.

In 2006, Gus was diagnosed with skin cancer and given nine months to live. After surgery, chemotherapy and losing his left rear leg, things appeared fine.

Then, in December, Gus got into a fight with a cat and lost his left eye.

In January, the cancer returned. “The only hope is radiation,” Teed said. The $1,600 will go toward the $5,000 that’s needed for radiation treatments, she said.

Regardless of his looks, Gus has a family who loves him.

“When I look into his eye, I see the love reflecting back at us,” Teed said.

Times researcher Angie Drobnic Holan contributed to this report. Demorris A. Lee can be reached at (727) 445-4174 or dalee@sptimes.com.

No Explanation Needed!!

Bumper Stickers….

I saw a bumper sticker today that really made me laugh…  It read:

“To err is human, but to blame it on someone else is management potential…”

Wow.  Doesn’t that explain big box retail to a T?    Why didn’t I think of that earlier?  Then I could be a District Manager by now…. Nah – I like designing too much….

An Oldie but still funny….

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE LINGUISTIC TWISTS

1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR…..

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE
BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP
SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOU LD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS
IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15 WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD
SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD “LISP” TO HAVE AN “S” IN IT?

29.. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME
DISORIENTED?

32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?