Funny thoughts…

7 07 2008

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he’s the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: “I woke up
one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact
duplicates.”

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our
amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 – Borrow money from pessimists — They don’t expect it back.

3 – Half the people you know are below average.

4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.

7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the
rain.

9 – All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend…..but she left me before we met.

12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 – Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 – I intend to live forever……so far, so good.

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24 – Why do psychic s have to ask you for your name?

25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 – The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

And my all time favorite-

34 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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One response

17 10 2009
J Eva

I was looking for a new Maxine comic & came acro9ss your site….I loved it. I sell on ebay and I use a great Maxine comic in my listings you may like for your use also. If you would go to ebay & click advanced search on top right..then click by seller..then type my user ID of jeva987, my listings will come up…just click any of them. Scrolll just a bit & look at what I used….it is great & fits your themes also. You cannot get info from picture as I copyright the pictures but if you need it…email me. J Eva

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